The Taming of the Shoe!

One of my friends cracked a pj about shoes today.I wasn't very happy with his answer.I realised I could have done a better job.And my mind was instantly flooded with a whole lot of poor shoe jokes(they are poor jokes about shoes and not jokes about poor shoes,incase you thought so!).Here are some of my brilliant inventions.
Q.What did one shoe say to another shoe?
A."Shoo".
Q.What did yet another shoe say to yet another shoe?
A."Buckle up,man!"
Q.What do you call a beautiful shoe?
A.Shoo-ndor.
Q.What sport do most shoes like?
A.Car racing,of course.After all they're all fans of Schumacher(Shoe-maker).
Q.If a shoe had a really pretty sister,what would he call her?
A.Shoo-ndor-bon.
Q.What do you give a shoe when it's suffering from a bad cold?
A.Some nice,hot Shoop(soup).
Q.Why are the wives of most shoes unhappy?
A.Because their husbands force them to live on a shoe-string budget!
Q.Why are shoes fond of the Backstreet Boys?
A.Because they wrote a song in their honour."Shoo me the meaning of feeling lonely....".
Q.What shoes must you be on the look out for?
A."Sneakers".They tend to be sneaky.
Q.And lastly(I have to crack this one!)my patent shoe joke.What worries a corrupted shoe?
A.The fact that it's lost it's soul/sole!
Shoo-kriya for having tolerated these pjs.

Khichdi!

This post is about completely random pjs.So far all the posts have had an over-arching theme to them.But i've not been at my creative best during the past month or so, probably due to general sense of lethargy that seems to creep in during the monsoon months. I haven't found any one topicon which i can go on cracking pjs.So u've now got settle for a bunch of pjs which have no link with one another.
1.What did the chef tell his apprentice after tasting the English pudding made by the apprentice?
A: Its a ''trifle" short of my expectations.
2.What do you call a family where all the members are good at making atom bombs?
A: A nuclear family!
3.What would make for a good JUDE loo poster?
A: One with a picture of a urinal and a heading that says "'Pisciculture".
4.Which is the one book you must pick up at a mall bookstore?
A: ''Moll" Flanders!
5.What did one tree say to another tree?
A: It's high time this family business ''branched" out!.By the way, trees don't like early breakfasts.They prefer "branches"(brunches).
6.What games should you play when you are feeling bored ?
A: Board games!
7.What is Amitabh Bachhan's favourite film?
A: Amar prem.
8.What do you call the father of all bags?
A: Baghdad(Has to be spoken in Bush isshtyle!).
9. What are all the conversations on the JUDE ledge about?
A: Legitimate matters!
10.For what should the workers of the Kolkata Municipal Corporation be given an award?
A: For their path-breaking achievements!
I guess that's enough random stuff for one day!

An uphill task.

Just got back from a eye-opener of a trip to Nagaland and Manipur.The North-East in so many ways seems to be isolated from the rest of India.We arrived on a Sunday afternoon in Kohima and found ourselves stuck in a sleepy little hill-town with none of the colonial charm of Darjeeling and Shillong.In a heavily Christian state where the army has a strong presence, nothing much really happens on a Sunday.People go for evening mass at 3.oo in the afternoon,have dinnerwith family at 5.oo and go to bed by 7.oo.How exciting!But we did get to see something out of the ordinary that night.There party lights flashing from a minister's residence on another hill and we were suddenly greeted with blaring rock-n-roll music.We could hear the words clearly and nobody seemed to have any objections.(The Nagas have no need of the radio.They believe in live music and strongly believe in the saying-"Live and let live!").I also managed to catch the IPL final.I had already "warne"d some of my friends that Royals would win so the ending did not come as much of a surprise.

Thankfully there was a lot more activity over the next few days.We made trips to the countryside,visited war cemetries and beautiful churches,sampled spicy Naga food,saw frogs and snakes being sold as food at the market places,did minor anthropological studies of the Naga tribes,witnessed army-men having a merry time at their wet canteens in an otherwise "dry state".....and saw some amazing road signs("Be patient or become a patient","Safety means safe tea at home", "Left is right and right is wrong","Don't rally and race/But drive with grace").

The Mane Problem.

The time has come to bash up Somdev.He thinks I'm always RUDE.He doesn't realise that he's getting back a taste of his own medicine.When was the last time anybody heard Somdev utter something decent and sensible? He is just plain ANNOYING!!!!
So all the pjs in this post are directed against Somdev.Or rather Ankit Arora(whose every sentence begins with.....vot else but vot!).
Ankit Arora claims that his dad is a big-shot and owns a potato factory.So i guess Ankit should change his surname from arora to "aluwalia".
A new kind of disease is spreading.It's affecting all those who are tired of Ankit Arora.It's called "Arora Borialis".
You shouldn't ask Somdev what school or college he went to.Rather ask him about the "alu"mni club he belongs to.
His mother ensures that he eats only food that is served in "alu"minium foil.
What is Somdev's favourite Rabindrasangeet?
"Alu amar,Alu ogo, Alui hridoy bhora...".
Somdev/Ankit would make a bad politician.Why you ask.Because everytime he goes campaigning, he's sure to create a "voterfall" i.e a fall in the no. of voters.
Somdev is insecure about his own looks.Each time he mentions the word "vot" ,he thinks about the number of warts on his own face.
When in Spain(I guess Ankit has enough money to go on these foreign holidays), Somdev will greet people, not by saying "Aloha" but by saying "Aluha!".
The furniture in Somdev's house gave rise to the word "couch potato".
Somdev must have been good at Geometry.He seems to be always on the look out for points.Other than "vot" or "tsk...tsk.." ,the only thing he can say is "And the point being?".He clearly isn't satisfied with human beings.He wants point beings.
There are far too many things that are wrong with Somdev Thakur.No one can help him.He's doomed.
My only advice would be -"Somdev, wear a cap!".Or rather a turban.Your mane doesn't suit you.It makes you look unmanly or should I say "unmanely".
I'd like to end with a crappy poem. This God, Who thinks he's the racoon lord/Is flawed!
PS. Arindam, I'm sorry if i've hurt ur feelings by being too critical of Somdev.But u've got to realise that he's not the best kind of boyfriend/girlfriend to have around.

Not your regular Sunday.

I spent all of Sunday morning helping my mother sort out old newspapers.All of last month's papers carried stories about the anti-Olympic protests held by the global Tibetan community.I glanced upon a particularly telling picture-a poster hanging upon the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco that said,"The answer my friend is blowing in the wind". This immediately reminded me of something my little cousin had told me a couple of years back.We were both listening to Dylan when she, very seriously, asked me,"Didi, why does the man keep on saying -The ants are my friends/They are blowing in the wind?". I could only smile at her. Little did I know then that I would one day use it in a pj blog.
The various reports on China have inspired this fresh batch of pjs.
Hypothetical situation-A couple of Chinese talking in Bengali.
What did some worried authorities tell the Chinese Prime-minister after they heard about the Tibetan protests?
A: "Eto jhamelar por aamra aar olympic games chayi na!".
What is one of the main paradoxes about China?
A: The country is known for it's tea and yet it's name is"Chai....na!".
What is the Kolkatan's version of the Olympic Games?
A:An unending beer-drinking competion at OLY PUB!
I just heard that the West Bengal government has given a new name to the Maoists.They're now called "Maoshas" since they're as irritating as the other well-known parasites-"Moshas".( In school,my Bio teacher taught me that mosquitoes were PUBLIC ENEMY No. 1.Are they really?)
The Bengalis have been so interested in Chairman Mao that they decided to make an entire programme, exploring the way Mao eats.I'm sure all of you were aware that there was a programme on Zee Bangla called "Hao Mao Khao''.
And do you know that a lot of Indians are cannibals.After a meal, most of us have "Maori''.The New Zealand government is thus launching an attack on Indians.Watch out!
Now getting back to my other favourite subject-the IPL.As the telegraph rightly put it, the knignt-riders were completely "blown away''. But I guess, they none the less got a party from King Khan.Apparently the following songs were played at the party-
1."Riders in the storm" by the Doors.
2.Sridevi's famous dance number"Hawa Hawai"
3.And to top it all, there was Anu Malik(with his perpetually paralysed voice) singing "Dekho barish ho rahi hain/It's raining,it's raining,it's raining/Mera dil kho raha hain/My heart is paining,it's paining,it's paining"(All lit. students take note.You don't get lyrics as good as these).Shahrukh did his Kal-ho-na-ho heart attack scene for special effect.
Oh, and I must end this post with another Olympic joke that suddenly came to my mind.I'snt it ironic that they want fit athletes, even though the games are called the "All-limp-pics" .

IPL has to be the flavour of the season. It's on the news and entertainment channels,in the newspapers,on all the adverstisment boards,in the shops and in............pjs!
I have mixed feelings about the ban on Harbhajan Singh. But like Umar,I think he needs a bit of cheering up.Here are some pjs specially meant for bhajji and more general ones about the IPL.
11. What did Bhajji's mother say after she heard the news of his ban?
A: "Mein har subha, Harbhajan ke mangal ke liye har bhajan gati hoon.Phir bhi iski yeh halat!"
12. How should Bhajji spend his time now?
A: Since he's been ''banned'', it's high time he formed a "band".Then he can proudly say,"Mein ne sabki band baja di!".
13. Which political party should Bhajji join?
A: The Bhajpa
Oh by the way, I've decided to improve the joke I had earlier made about the Royal Challengers.
14.The RC fan said," Shaan-dar absence-e how can my team give a shaandar performance?"
And here's another Umar Gul joke which I had forgotten to include in the previous post.
15.What will Umar Gul's death wish be?
A: That his body been taken and buried in Gul-marg which uncannily sounds like gul-morgue.
And how can I forget David Hussey. The lad's playing well but he could do with a few pjs.
16.When David Hussey was trying to distract the bowler by laughing at his face,what did the umpire do?
A: He warned him and said, "Is bar hasi, to phasi."
17. What name is best suited for Hussey's wife/partner?
A: As ridiculous as it sounds here it is. Haseena Hussey.
Talking of Christian sisters and spouses, I sincerely hope that Dinda does not have one called Linda Dinda.If he does unfortunately have one, the two should make a trip to Bhatinda ,and in this heat ,drink only Mirinda!
Sine there's so much talk about Punjab I must add a non-IPL joke about the second most famous family of Punjab - the Manns.
18. What did one Gurudas Mann say to his brother Babu Singh Mann?
A: "Hey man/mann( whichever you like), hamari paarivar ka mann sumann vajay rakhna."
Oh, and to copy Shahrukh they've given a new name to their house.It's called Mannat and it makes perfect sense since thats what the manns are at.
Okay enough for today.I must keep more for tomorrow.

IPL pjs.

Yesterday I watched the Delhi daredevils-Knight riders match . Although I was delighted with Shoaib's effort,I was disappointed to find that his Pakistani team mate, Umar Gul did not get an opportunity to play and contribute to the side. Had I been an on-field reporter, I would cracked the following pjs to lighten his mood.
1.Hypothetical situation-Instead of a Sreesanth-Harbhajan controversy, there's been a Umar Gul-Ganguly controversy.After Umar hit Ganguly several times in the dressing room ,what did Dada say?
A: "Aar gul marish na!".
2.Umar Gul is advertising a particular product.What is it?
A: Dabur Gul-abari(It is natural unlike 'Fair and Handsome').
3.What will Umar Gul's autobiography be called?
A: Gul-dastan: A memoir written in "flowery" language.
4.What Is Gul's favourite song?
A: "Meri umar ke nawjawano......."
5. According to Jeff Boycott, how did gul develop his cricketing skills?
A: By playing "guli"(gulley) cricket.
Some other IPL jokes.......
6.Why is it clear that the IPL is a brain child of Lalit Modi?
A: Because it supports a "modi"fied version of the game.
7.These days Ganguly is not growing bolder,he's growing balder.The commentators were thinking of giving a "bald-by-bald" account of the game instead of a ball-by-ball account.They were heard joking that Ganguly listens to "Tak-ila Sunrise"(Tequila Sunrise)every morning.The team mates gave Dada a special name after the special win-"Bald-win".
8.A loyal Bengali supporter of the Royal Challengers (whose motto is-"jeetenge hum shaan se") apparently said, "My team is not playing well because the singer Shaan is not being able to give them much time.But please don't shaan(shun) the team."
9. I know why my friend,Reeti Roy is supporting Vijay Mallya's team. It's not because she's a fan of Dravid.It's because they are the "Roy''al Challengers.The family name must be kept alive.Her second favourie must be the Rajasthan "Roy"als.
10.What did a Bangladeshi tell Chris Gayle when he returned to the West Indies after not having played a single IPL match?
A: "Ei Gay-le(gele) aar ei ele! Cricket to khelle na, shudhu baazigar shombondhe 'baaze' kotha bolle."